Episode 1: Caring While Grieving

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Cara Lunsford

Hey, nurses. Welcome to the Nurse Dot podcast. Giving nurses validation resources and hope. One episode at a time.

Cara Lunsford

Today on Nurse Dot podcast.

Sona Daldumyan

I remember the car ride home vividly that morning and everything was muted and slow and I was feeling this very unfamiliar, deep sadness.

Cara Lunsford

Joining us today, Sona Daldumyan in a registered nurse with 23 years of experience, 21 of those in pediatric oncology. She will be sharing her experiences with grief and how it has defined her practice as a nurse. I'm your host, Cara Lunsford, registered nurse and VP of community at Nurse AECOM.

Cara Lunsford

I am so excited to have Sona as our guest on this episode. I've known her for 16 years, my entire nursing career. When I was a baby nurse, I really admired her. She was the one on the floor that just always seemed like she had it under control. When Sona went through some of the crisis that you will hear on this podcast today, that made her the perfect guest to speak on caring while grieving.

Cara Lunsford

I watched her navigate that time from a pretty close perspective. So without further ado, I'd like to kick off this episode and introduce my dear friend and guest Sona Dodge me in I think I pronounced her name correctly this time. Did I Sona Daldumyan. I was like, How if I known you this long and I've totally butchered your last name.

Cara Lunsford

I hope you recorded that. So let's go ahead and kick this off with what might be a simple question. Maybe not. What does grief mean to you? Right off the bat, I'm just going to come straight out of the gate with like, the hard question. Just like what? What is grief to you?

Sona Daldumyan

I had no idea what grief meant. I thought I've dealt with grief a lot in my lifetime, but I thought grief was this deep, deep sadness that just felt unnatural when I allowed myself to grieve and experience it. It actually felt really natural, and I couldn't really find a clear definition of it for myself. Right. You can open up a dictionary and look up a definition of it, but I'm not that person.

Sona Daldumyan

I had to find my own definition. Nothing really resonated with me until I read somewhere that grief is love with nowhere to go and ajaz made perfect sense. I'm getting chills as I'm saying it, because that's exactly what it is. We grieve for various different things, but when you're grieving for loss of a partner, a child, anybody that you lose that had a place in your heart, in your mind, in your life, you cared for that person.

Sona Daldumyan

You love them. My definition of grief nowadays is absolute love with nowhere to go.

Cara Lunsford

We think about grief a lot around death. We think that grief is synonymous with death. But would you agree with that? Or do you feel that people grieve? All kinds of.

Sona Daldumyan

Things. I realize everybody is grieving and it doesn't matter. Grief doesn't have to be attached to loss of a life. It can be grief over perfection. When you find out your child might be born with a deformity or you might grieve the loss of a marriage because your marriage didn't quite work out the way you planned for it.

Sona Daldumyan

The happily ever after didn't take place. You might grieve the loss of the job, the perfect job that you were so good at, but circumstances delayed due to leave it. Grief can happen every day to everybody. And when you make that realization that everybody else around you is also grieving, it's kind of enlightening because then it makes your own grief not so horrible.

Sona Daldumyan

You don't feel so alone because everybody else is in the same boat as you.

Cara Lunsford

I know you mentioned very briefly in there about your own loss. Can you expand a little bit on what you experience? Five years ago.

Sona Daldumyan

So I met my husband at the hospital where we used to work, and he was a brand new P.A. and that was a brand new nurse. And we met, became friends, fell in love, got married, had the kids perfect family, perfect everything. Unfortunately, he got diagnosed with pancreatic adenocarcinoma. And after 18 months of chemotherapy, radiation surgeries, I would like to say he lost his battle like everybody says it.

Sona Daldumyan

But it wasn't a battle. It was a war for us because he did everything and he did it with the perfect smile. When you're experiencing all these things outside of work and then you come in to work, it's very tough to leave. What's happening to you at home? And I found it actually not too.

Cara Lunsford

Bad.

Sona Daldumyan

Until my husband relapsed. And I remembered the doctor walking in and giving us bad news. And dead wasn't the kind of guy that got upset even when he was told his diagnosis. He was like, okay, we got this babe. But when they told us he had relapsed for the first time, I saw him upset and again, we dealt with it.

Sona Daldumyan

We moved forward. And unfortunately five years ago I lost him and and the second his heartbeat stopped, um, I experienced profound loss even though I had experienced loss in many different ways. We had patients wait, extended family members. This was the love of my life. This was my soulmate. But I decided that Mom and dad, I wasn't going to allow his staff to change me for the worst.

Sona Daldumyan

I was going to allow his staff to teach me lessons and become even better.

Cara Lunsford

Coming up in our next segment.

Sona Daldumyan

All of a sudden, I don't have a husband. I don't have a dad. I don't have a mom. Oh, my goodness. What is this I'm experiencing?

Cara Lunsford

One of the things that I find the most fascinating about your story, Sona, is that one of your earliest recollections of grief and one of your most profound recollections of grief is one that is actually tied to empathy. Empathy for what another family was going through. That you knew a family who had lost a child. And when you had this realization that they had lost their child and that they were going home without their, you know, without this child, that they must be experiencing this profound loss.

Cara Lunsford

And it was that experience with empathy that was one of your earliest recollections of grief.

Sona Daldumyan

So I had an acquaintance of a family whose child passed away. I didn't have a relationship with the child, but just knowing that a child had passed away, I was grieving for the family and the loss they were experiencing. And I think that's what stood out with me the most when I was thinking about grief and my experiences with grief.

Cara Lunsford

Imagine a long hallway with doors that are labeled with words like violated, abandoned grief. And any time we experience these feelings, we open the door and we stack a brick labeled with that experience.

Sona Daldumyan

Dad got diagnosed with pancreatic adenocarcinoma, and then six months after his diagnosis, my dad got diagnosed with colon cancer. They both were going through chemo. Chad went to a surgery and then dad passed away. And then six months later, my dad passed away. And then my mom started getting sick and my mom passed away in November of last year, while I was still grieving the loss of my husband and my father.

Sona Daldumyan

I was taking care of my mom. And then the pandemic happened. And then I was experiencing this grief over not being with my children, being the only parent, because then you kind of had to choose, Am I going to be at the hospital taking care of patients who need me, nurses that need me or be there for my kids?

Sona Daldumyan

So there was a lot of guilt and grief with that as well, because there was no one at home to homeschool my kids while I was taking care of other people's kids at the hospital. I was grieving lots of things all at the same time. And I think in some ways, because they had so much happened in such a short period of time, it delayed real grief until this past summer.

Sona Daldumyan

All of a sudden. Hold on, you're not working at the hospital anymore. I'm still a nurse, by the way, but I'm just not in the hospital because my kids needed me. I had to make life adjustments to be there for my kids. But all of a sudden, I don't have a husband. I don't have a dad. I don't have a mom.

Sona Daldumyan

Oh, my goodness. What is this? I'm experi in saying.

Cara Lunsford

Experiencing profound loss, especially when it comes in the form of back to back tidal waves coming up for air can seem impossible, let alone finding the strength to swim. After the break, Sona shares how her experiences with grief helped her connect with her patients in ways she never imagined.

Sona Daldumyan

All of a sudden, I started experiencing PTSD. I kept it cool, but inside I was broken. I knew exactly what this parent was going through.

Cara Lunsford

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Cara Lunsford

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Sona Daldumyan

When you're experiencing all these things outside of work and then you come in to work, it's very tough to leave. What's happening to you at home? I had to go into a room with a with a doctor into a patient's room. The mom was anxiously waiting for CT results and the second we walked in, I could see her eyes and I could remember me when I knew it was going to be bad news when the doctor walked in.

Sona Daldumyan

All of a sudden I started experiencing, I think, PTSD. My hands started getting sweaty and my heart was beating out of my chest and I kept it cool. But inside I was broken. I knew exactly what this parent was going through. And then I kind of started thinking, Oh, maybe it was a one time deal. And then it happened again and again.

Sona Daldumyan

And I was like, okay, this is what it feels like to be that person who's getting the bad news. And now I can relate to them so much that it's almost intolerable.

Sona Daldumyan

So I came up with ways to cope with it. And I what I did actually was I was very honest with the docs I work with and with my nurses, and I told them exactly what I was experiencing. First of all, for them to know that I wasn't running away from a situation, it's just self-preservation. Because if I'm not comfortable in the room, then I cannot give these families the support that they would need at that point in time.

Sona Daldumyan

I had always told people, normalize grief and now I had to normalize it for me because I had been going nonstop for so long that all of a sudden it was an uncomfortable place for me to be. And then I had to be my own talk giver and told myself it was okay to feel things and process them.

Sona Daldumyan

And honestly, I was also very open with my kids about it. I was like, just select, you know, I'm sad. And then suddenly, since I'm sad and it has put me closer to my kids, it has normalized the grief they themselves are experiencing because they had seen me in a different way always because I tried to not shelter them.

Sona Daldumyan

I've always been honest with them, but I tried not to let them see the weaknesses because I thought they would perceive me like not count on me, depend on me as much. Now tell me things. If they thought I was having a hard time. But it actually has worked the opposite way. Now that they know that I'm not the superhero they made out to be in their minds, but it has normalize me so they're more able to come to me, which has been a pretty cool experience.

Cara Lunsford

Transparency, communication, professional boundaries are just a few ways we can create sustainability in a practice that can be so emotionally demanding.

Sona Daldumyan

My nurses, being the amazing nurses that they are, didn't question it, so I got the support that I needed from my staff at that point in time. I think as long as you get the help you need and you're open and honest with your own feelings and your what you're experiencing, that too can become somewhat tolerable. Because also you're setting an example for the younger nurses, right?

Sona Daldumyan

Because you come in looking all invincible and nothing is going to get me down. And I got this. They need to know that even more seasoned nurses, more experienced nurses have their limitations. We came through a pandemic. Our world is completely different. They're recognizing and they're doing right by themselves and by their patients and by other nurses and choosing what's best for them.

Sona Daldumyan

And nothing wrong with that.

Cara Lunsford

What do you recommend for the nurse that says, I don't have any time to process any of this? I we have one patient who passes on and then we admit another. And we do that day after day and we either go to funerals or we don't go to funerals or we go to too many funerals are not enough funerals.

Cara Lunsford

And there's just no time. There's no time to process it. I leave work, I drive home. Maybe I cry while I'm on my way home, but then I need to put on my mom face or my dad face, and then I need to take care of my kids and my family. And I get some sleep and I come back and they do it all over again.

Cara Lunsford

And there's just no time, which I think a lot of people say. And then it catches up with them at some point, which is maybe, you know, part of the whole burnout thing is that that lack of processing. Do you have any do you have any quick tips for processing in grief?

Speaker 3

Oh.

Sona Daldumyan

You're so funny. I don't actually. I think you can only handle so much as a human being. It's impossible to keep going at the same rate and not think that nothing is going to give. Something will give. There are resources available. There are people you can talk to. And I'm a huge advocate for hospitals providing more psychologists, more counselors, peer support.

Sona Daldumyan

Right. I have used my friends, my I have talked to you. If you don't have time that's saying I was that nurse that didn't have time because I had to take care of the next family and the next one and the next one. And if that feels right for that moment, then that's what you have to do. I don't have quick tips for that, but at some point it will catch up.

Sona Daldumyan

The saying you can't be a good caregiver if you're not taking care of yourself is very true. It will show in your practice as a nurse you have to take care of yourself. If something feels uncomfortable and you're not ready for it, recognize it. Figure out why is it that it's making you uncomfortable. Talk to somebody about it if you want to.

Sona Daldumyan

But I think in my case, when I have felt really uncomfortable about something, I have talked to friends and just go from there. And if you need to seek professional help, someone outside of the hospital where you don't feel like you're going to be judged, there are resources. Again, talk to your senior nurses, I think is the quickest advice I can give to people because they know exactly where you are.

Sona Daldumyan

They know exactly what you're experiencing. And believe it or not, you do have time for it. You have time to sit with yourself and process whatever it is you need to process whatever feelings.

Cara Lunsford

In so much of what you are saying. I hear so much vulnerability coming through, and I think that what you just said about being a leader, being a senior nurse, being a mentor is about showing that vulnerability, showing your humanness, saying, I, I can't do it all or I can't do it right now. You can lean in on your team.

Cara Lunsford

And that that's what's so important about our profession as nurses is that we are a team profession and it's why we can look out of a patient's room and make eye contact with a nurse we've worked with for ten years or 15 years and they know exactly what you need. They know there's an emergency. They know you need the crash cart.

Cara Lunsford

They know you need a break. They know you just got P in your eye. And I think without those strong relationships, those strong bonds, this profession would not be possible because it does require so much of us. The good ones will give so much of themselves and not for the money, not for the prestige or the accolades, but oftentimes just for the pure pleasure of knowing that you were able to affect someone's life and in a really extraordinary way, a really meaningful way.

Cara Lunsford

And I think that that's what I constantly hear come through in the conversation we're having today is how we lean in on our most difficult times, the times when we are grieving and we use that as a resource, we use that as a tool. One of the things on this podcast that we want to provide nurses and the public and anyone who's listening really is we want to provide validation.

Cara Lunsford

We want nurses to feel like you're not crazy. We get it. We know you feel like this too, No matter what subject we're talking about in this podcast or future podcasts, we want nurses to feel like I relate to that. That validates me because validation is a pathway to healing and then to be able to have tools like some of the tools that you provided today to our listeners.

Cara Lunsford

That's what helps with the sustainability of this profession, that you have more tools in your toolbox than you had before. You listen to this podcast or before you went to work yesterday or before you know, and then at the end, what we want for every listener is to feel hope.

Sona Daldumyan

Nurses, now more than ever before, need help psychologically. As I mentioned it before, they just came out of a pandemic and we're not even out of it. Right. But they're also going through something right now and they need to know that everything they're feeling, if they're leaving the profession, that's okay. If they are changing into some other specialty, that's okay.

Sona Daldumyan

Grieving the loss of what you thought your nursing career was going to be like when you first went to nursing school and got the pain and where you are now grieving That loss is okay. It's normal. I think most of all, what I want anybody that's listening right now to know that grief is a feeling. It shouldn't be taboo.

Sona Daldumyan

People need to talk about it. Normalize it. Learn from it and forge ahead when they feel like they're ready to forge ahead. I used to tell people, don't mistake my tears for weakness just because we're nurses and I know we're all bad asses, it doesn't mean that you can't be vulnerable and show those emotions. It's okay and seek help if you feel like you need the help and giving care while you're grieving.

Sona Daldumyan

You're you're like one of my peeps or my hero.

Cara Lunsford

You're a rock star.

Sona Daldumyan

You're a rock star. But it doesn't mean that you can't also be vulnerable and have your weak moments.

Cara Lunsford

Anita Majani says sensitive is the new strong.

Sona Daldumyan

Oh, now I learn something new.

Cara Lunsford

Shameless plug, Sona. I love you so much. I can't tell you how excited I am that you are the very first guest.

Sona Daldumyan

I am.

Cara Lunsford

You are? I didn't tell you.

Sona Daldumyan

Oh, my gosh. I had no idea.

Cara Lunsford

So you are the very first guest for the Neustadt podcast, and I couldn't think of a better person when we were talking about who we wanted to have on and what was the first subject matter we wanted to talk about. And.

Sona Daldumyan

And you start with grief.

Cara Lunsford

I know I go in big. I go in strong. It's only up from here.

Speaker 3

Great.

Sona Daldumyan

I was the down.

Cara Lunsford

We can only go up from here. Listeners, just imagine where we'll be at week 16.

Speaker 3

Yep.

Sona Daldumyan

Pretty high.

Cara Lunsford

Thank you so much for coming. And thank you for being here with me.

Sona Daldumyan

Thank you for having me.

Cara Lunsford

Love you. If you were a nurse who enjoyed this episode and you have an idea for future episodes, you can connect with me by downloading the nurse dot com app. See you there.