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10 Satirical Nursing Headlines

Nurse reviewing documents on laptop

Have you ever read a headline that seemed completely ridiculous, only to discover it came from a satirical news source like The Onion? Well, if The Onion had a nursing section, here would be 10 hilarious (and fake) headlines that might catch you off guard if you weren't paying attention.

1. "Patient takes full course of antibiotics, educates other patients to do the same"

A patient with strep throat felt great 48 hours after initiating antibiotics. Regardless, he decided to continue until his full course is complete. "Why would I stop taking them just because I feel better?" he said. "Taking the full course will ensure all of the bacteria has been eradicated." Inspired by his own experience, patient reached out to others to educate them.

2. " 'Documentation makes my work so much easier!' one nurse exclaims"

Nurses across the board agree that documentation is the best part of their job. "Without documentation," said one nurse, "I might have to spend more time with my patients. Taking care of them," she added with a shudder. Nurses cite documentation as the number one way to make the job easier.

3. "Nurse expresses relief when call light breaks moment of peace"

A nurse sat down for a moment in the middle of a busy shift. Much to her relief, a call light went off at that exact moment. "It's a good thing," she said. "I was just about to start my progress note a little early, but that would've gotten me out of here on time, which would be too much to bear."

4. "Pizza party makes it well worth all the hard work nurses do"

This week, a hospital rewarded nurses with several pizzas to congratulate them for reaching 300 days without a central line infection. "This makes everything worth it," said one nurse. "The accomplishment is gratifying, but the pizza is what really matters. Now I know my institution really cares."

5. "Child laughs during vaccination, asks for 'Just one more, please?' and turns down sticker"

A 3-year-old boy happily skipped in for his yearly physical. As the nurse approached with vaccine syringe, the boy giggled, held out his arm, and shrieked with glee as the injection took place. "Can I have just one more shot?," he said. "Please?" When a sticker was offered to him at the end of the visit, he decided to pass. "I don't care for stickers, but thank you," he said politely.

6. " 'No one has ever asked me why I didn't want to be a doctor,' says one nurse"

A miracle has occurred. This time involving one nurse who has never, not even once, been asked why she didn't want to be a doctor. "It's weird," she says, "I didn't want to be a doctor because that would just be too hard. Nursing is easier. But no one wants to hear my story."

7. "Nurse rejoices when urgent patient need happens at change of shift"

A nurse was finished with his patient care and documentation, and was awaiting the next shift to arrive so that he could give report. Suddenly, patient had an urgent need that had to be attended to. "Thank goodness you called," the nurse told the patient. "Otherwise, I might have given report and gotten home on time."

8. "Nurse feels lonely during uninterrupted lunch break"

"I just don't understand why I haven't been interrupted during lunch," one nurse lamented with tears in her eyes. "I have all of this quiet to think, de-compress, and collect myself. It isn't right."

9. "Says one nurse: 'It's Saturday night; naturally, all patients are better and sleeping, with no need for nursing care whatsoever' "

One nurse chose to work nights and weekends because it is clearly easier. "Saturday nights are my favorite," she said. "Almost all of the patients have gone home. And the ones that are here are completely healthy. They need a good, uninterrupted night's sleep and I'll be sitting over there playing sudoku to allow that to happen."

10. "Nurse has excessive amounts of free time at work, makes friendship bracelet to kill the hours"

One nurse has had so much free time at work, she's taken to making friendship bracelets by the thousands. "It started with one," she said. "But with so many hours of free time, I was suddenly surrounded with them. Now all the nurses are making them. We're opening an Etsy shop because we don't know what to do with all of these bracelets. But at least we know what to do with all of our free time."

Your turn

What nursing headlines would surprise you the most?